I have to go to Bangor in North West Wales today. Imagine the furthest place you could think of. Bangor is further than that. Much further. There are rumours that when Columbus said he would sail to the ends of the Earth, his crew stated that that was fine, but they won’t go as far as Bangor because that would take ages. I didn’t realise I would be making such an epic journey today, as Martyne, my agent, had put Bognor in the diary instead. Martyne is normally 100% right about gigs and many things, but on this she was 183 miles wrong. I can’t blame her at all because on looking at the words and the similar letters I can see that it is a fairly easy mistake to make. Sadly, these sort of mistakes can cost lives. Well a portion of lives anyway. About 10 hours of driving to be exact. I have a gig coming up at the University of East Anglia in a few weeks. I really hope I don’t find out the day before that its the University of East Africa.
You say Bognor, I say Bangor. Lets Call The Whole Thing Off.
Its another University tonight too, which will make three this week after last night. It was another odd one yesterday too. By no means bad, although sadly it was a lot emptier than the last time I did it. The Bucks Uni campus I was on is primarily for Nursing students and all of them were on placement this week meaning it was a handful of students doing much less useful courses that will help them endure a career only within a JD Sports. Its a shame as one of the reasons for doing this gig is that while yes, its a nice gig, and yes, its only 30 mins drive from my flat, a large plus was also looking out into a sea of young nurses. That can never be a bad thing. It all went fairly well though and as per usual with recent comedy gigs, they preferred me insulting their friends rather than listen to any jokes I have. What did worry me, is once again I was forced to talk to the bar manager who, following suit so far this season, was the sort of person who insisted on giving you jokes to tell on stage, despite the fact that all of them were sexist, racist and/or massively shit and unfunny. A lot of people do this, and often it happens just before or after a gig, but its increasingly scary how many students like to pass on the racist gags. This bar manager in particular was insisting that I talk to the indian guy in the front row about how many samosas and poppadoms he eats. Apparently it was a funny joke between mates. I explained that I was neither his mate nor did I find it funny, it just sounded racist and then he told me jokes instead about chaining women to the kitchen. Its possible time travel has been invented and this man has been shot from the 1970’s unwillingly into todays society. Its a shame he wasn’t just shot.
It does make me wonder if Prince Harry was just doing what the rest of his generation were doing and being very racist. It would be the first time ever a member of the royals was being down with the kids, albeit for all the wrong reasons.
Can everyone leave Jonathan Ross alone now please? Its just getting extremely dull and a massive waste of news. He’s meant to insult elderly mental ladies! Its what he was hired for in the first place! MP David Davis has said ‘On Radio 2 you don’t expect X-rated references to sex’. Well I don’t expect MP’s to waste their time giving a toss when the economy is buggered and the world is a mess. I also do expect those kind of references on Ross’s show. Thats what he does. If it bothers you, don’t listen to it. In fact don’t listen to anything ever again. You are clearly dead inside and an idiot. Its a shame that there can’t be some sort of parental control for radios and television that stops self righteous Sun-reading bigots who are so far up their own arse from ever watching anything more interesting or less vacuous than Loose Women.
