I discovered last night that I have a new favourite event to watch. Its not something I would have thought would be in my top 5 alongside good martial arts and animals attacking stuff (that clip with the Great White in Planet Earth is one of the best ever), but yesterday I was amazed to find that it had worked its way there. That event, ladeez and gents, is watching a feisty, angry, shouty obnoxious lady being thrown out of the door of a club by an unhappy bouncer. It was a bit like an episode of 24. If Jack Bauer dealt with chavvy girls. Which I’m not sure he’d be up to. This lady put up the sort of fight Jack would have cried about afterwards in a moment of self-reflection.
It was a nice night to begin with but several of the 50-60 people audience were chatty from the start with little intention of quietening down. They were told at the beginning of the night and I told them too but this did not deter the rabble of NHS staff at the back of the room. I had some lovely banter with a man in the front who very sadly had been made redundant that day but didn’t seem to mind. Its such dangerous ground asking people what they do in this current climate, but he was nice enough to let us roll with the conversation. There was also a man called Troy who insisted he wasn’t made of wood with several tiny men inside. All during this fun start the babble of drunk women continued. Then Carey Marx went on. Carey had already told me he was going be nasty tonight. He opened with two new Jade Goody jokes which were very nasty, very funny and immediately got their attention. I have heard several Jade Goody jokes lately and its nice to know that the majority of the public thinks she is as undeserving of all the attention the press is giving as I do. I think its sad when people get cancer and are dying but I think its less sad if those people are talentless racists. Its not like Enoch Powell got a spread in OK when he died. Although to be fair at least he was a decent orator.
Carey told one of his jokes that happened to end with an Albino punchline and like a firework a women at the back just went off. And as though that firework had fizzled out before exploding in a child’s hand, she went off badly. She started shouting that her brother was an albino and how wrong that joke was, despite having laughed earlier at Jade jokes and a man being made redundant. I have seen people get offended by many things in a comedy club, and the thought always occurs that you shouldn’t be in a COMEDY club if you can’t be prepared to laugh at everything. Someone is always going to be offended by something, and as Carey often says he has told his albino jokes to a few albino audience members who have found it funny and the joke is a play on the social view of people who are afflicted with such a condition. Of course the angry lady probably didn’t understand this concept and even if she did she was too much of a drunken twat to not get shouty.
Then Steve the bouncer stepped in. Steve is nice man who has been at the HiFi several of the times I have done it and appears to be the sort of man who wouldn’t harm a fly, even if the fly had a gun and was aiming it at his family. He carefully approached the women and tried to calm her down at which point she snapped and lashed out at him. Horrible and violent she started kicking and punching away and he carefully picked her up in the legal bouncery way and tried to take her outside. This resulted in a smack in the face for Steve and a fire exit that got quite badly kicked in. One of the girls friends left with her and the rest of the party stayed as they were still finding Carey hilarious, because he is. Nice to have friends like that who don’t back you then again, maybe they just knew how much of a twat she was.
Oddly, as soon as the women was gone and the fire exit door closed, the whole room united as one and the gig became lovely. It was amazing. Her unnecessary anger made everyone else realise that they weren’t as awful as her and brought them together in their enjoyment of the night. The rest of Carey’s set was ace and then the second half with myself and Stanley McCale also was a dream. I jokingly said that I should find that women and pay to return tonight when Carey is back on. I joked but there is part of me that thinks she should be at every gig, getting kicked out and bringing peace to the world. Obama and Brown should take her to war zones where opposing sides can agree in unison that neither of them are as obnoxious as her and therefore fighting should be stopped.
Back at the HiFi tonight after attempting to set up Layla’s sister-in-law’s mum’s BT broadband. I don’t there is an easier term to describe someone who is connected to you in such a way so deal with it. I am worried about setting it up as after a year and a half of being a mac user I am now incompatible with PC’s. Only yesterday I broke Layla’s nephew’s laptop by just using it. The power came on but the screen didn’t which meant even the magical control-alt-delete didn’t work. This was a tad frightening, as a blank screen is a computer’s way of telling it either can’t be arsed, or its dead, very very dead. After a quick wifi search on my phone (the wonders of now) it turns out the trick is to blow on the hard drive area with hot air. That was it. And it worked. Even with all our technological advances a computer can still be fixed by me breathing on it. Next time an air traffic control unit collapses or an entire government mainframe system goes down I will make sure I have a cup of tea and head straight over for some breathy miracle making.
