Why are people pretending to be upset about the being last in the Eurovision Song Contest? Every year we send some hapless twat to sing a song no one has any confidence in, to compete against other hapless twats from countries that actually seem to care about them, mostly due to their cultural lack of taste to win the prize of having the country with the worst taste in music. We shouldn’t ever want to win it for several reasons. Firstly, we can’t afford it right now. Germany must be kicking themselves that they have to pay for the event next year, amongst all their other debt problems. Secondly, we don’t take it seriously enough. This year we appeared to send Rick Astley’s damaged son along to have a go. He sang a song written by Pete Waterman which was probably written as a dare, as it sounded like it had been churned out whilst asleep or drunk or both. It had all the musical intelligence of a mute deaf warthog stamping on a keyboard in hope of finding truffles. We sent the EuroVision that, because we don’t care. I heard on the radio that one of the countries spent money getting Beyonce’s and Michael Jackson’s dance coach and singing coaches from someone else famous etc etc. We just found the person most willing to do it and sniggered as they agreed and we knew that millions of people would point and laugh at them via the TV. Its a bit of a novelty to us now. We all know that the UK’s music scene is frighteningly superior to say Azerbaijan and so while they may score more than 10 points, we’ll never be seeing them fill Glasto’s headline spot when U2 drop out. Not that mini-Astley would either, but you know what I mean. Also, thirdly, we like losing. We’d have complained if we’d won with such a shit song, and then moaned about it costing us more of our taxes. Instead we can come last with a laughable song, shout at the telly for one night, say it’s all about politics and enjoy it.
I suppose it partly is politics. I mean Cameron has made it pretty clear how much he doesn’t want to be part of Europe and I think the other countries knew that. Even Israel who isn’t part of Europe, pretends to be in the same continent for the competition. Admittedly, it’s not like they need anymore enemies. But I’m amazed David Cameron allowed our entry to take part. I’d have thought he hated the idea of the UK being any part of a united Eurovision. Arf. Then of course you had Greece’s entry which was going to be 3 minutes but ended up being just 2 due to further cuts. Then at the end the rest of the EU was going to chip in a lyric, but they decided against that. So well done to Germany and that. I heard the winning song on the way back from my gig and it sounded very much like a Deutsch Kate Nash. Kate Nacht if you like. Saying that, it was obviously the lesser of 25 evils and fair play to them. They knew how it worked. Either be so elaborate and dress as a transvestite warlord skating clown or do a song that’s not as shit as the rest. Being all sensible like, they went for the latter. Fair play. I fully respected France last year for putting forward Sebastian Tellier who is a brilliant musician in his own right. Unfortunately he was too talented and therefore got almost nowhere. That’s cheating. You are not allowed someone who is actually good. That’s a step too far. I think if we do want to win it next year then we need to aim for the ridiculous level. Lets get Chaz and Dave dressed as martians on a trampoline. That’s the sort of thing we want. Rolf Harris (I’m sure he’s got citizenship by now) surrounded by women in bikinis and people dressed as tigers. Or we could just stop taking part? But then I guess Graham Norton would have to have a night off and unable to cope with that he’d probably just roam the streets with Andrew Lloyd Webber on a leash while they both start knocking on people’s doors and telling them its their turn to step up to the stage and no one wants that.
I’m doing a preview tonight at one of the loveliest clubs in the country. Its called Oppo, its in Bristol and is run by Mark Olver. Its proper good. They have a maths quiz and everything. I, once again, really need to work on my show. So I’m going to do that now. If you live in Bristol, come along. If you don’t, then I suggest you do something else with your evening.
